~note: I performed the Varuna Mudra for an hour before bed. (Releasing…)
The gift was a video. I was handed this after being subjected to a strange box. It was a recording of the experience, an absurd moment recorded in a terror box that I had been strapped into, examples of Jackson’s fourth grade homework, and a third unknown segment. My ex who now seemed to be shorter than me, handed me a card that said “Happy seventh” and kissed my cheek with a hug. I think I mumbled something. I saw that his version of this “gift” had been pictures of himself in semi-erotic moments. The terror box for him had forced him to watch pornography and had taken snapshots of it. When they took me up to take my picture in the box, it was rushed. The facilities were like an airport or a hospital room. I insisted I needed to take my contacts out so I quickly did and put them in my mouth after one of the employees said they would be blasted out of my eyes in no time flat. “Hold on” they said and I was plunged backwards into a blackness upside down not knowing what to expect.
The second sequence was humiliating. It was some pillowy space which was part of the recording experiment.
When I came out I was given the video whether I wanted it or not; I was given the hug and gift.
I walked on in a dress. I had a small child following me. We were looking for a way back into the building. We were stopped by Latino men. The little girl hid. I was worried about her. Wherever we were going, it seemed like the way was stuck. There were ramps of concrete and a low ceiling. I began to speak in Spanish. But my Spanish was incorrect.
Watching a children’s production from above as though looking into a playhouse. A girl showed a weasel that moved things around. There was only a square the size of a garage in which they performed their tiny acts, and the girl with long dark hair and dark eyes proudly stood in the corner. Her weasel moved an apple. Her weasel seemed to be trained. Then the weasel produced another fruit and began to gracefully carve teeth in its watermelon flesh, dark green. It had a smile now, the watermelon, or a grimace. It was a transformation where the weasel would symmetrically remove the pieces. It became an accordion made of fruit. It played a brief and unrecognizable tune. Jackson had a turn. He was in the back of the playhouse now and there were other kids. Jackson’s face was grim. The child mention something about death and his father. A boy behind him mocked him saying he had death at his house. I took a can, or a box in place of the mean boy, and railed against it saying that it shouldn’t say such things.
Leaving the place there was this terrible sense that someone would make fun of me or ruin my car or hurt me. The cars were parked in a field. The two fat kids on the way out were friends. As I got to my car, which was my old yellowish tan Volkswagon with the purple tinted windows. I was relieved. I zoomed down the grass hill and onto the road and then J was there beside me, and he mentioned something about how it would be like that with Jackson, zooming so carelessly, intimating a slight disapprobation at my driving.